


Headaches from Last Night

by hermione_vader



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Drunken Shenanigans, F/F, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 12:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermione_vader/pseuds/hermione_vader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally written for Norse Kink.  Tony wakes up hung over in his Malibu mansion to find the following: Loki's helmet on his head, lesbians falling out of the walk-in closet, Thor without pants, the remains of Pop-Tart Pasta, Coulson brandishing a report, and Pepper making coffee.  And who that teenager who wandering around?  And why does he shoot spiderwebs out of his hands?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Headaches from Last Night

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before the release of both _The Avengers_ and _The Amazing Spider-Man_. 
> 
> Original prompt [here](http://norsekink.livejournal.com/3231.html?thread=5752223#t5752223).

Now Tony understood why absinthe was illegal.  
  
As he pried himself up from the floor, he felt his body sway back and forth and he swore he had a dumbell on his head.  Tony reached up and felt the contours of sleek metal---Thor's helmet, maybe?  He reached up higher and found long, slim horns.  Oh, God, _no_.  
  
Tony stared out the window at the ocean for a few minutes until he thought his eyes had started burning.  Then he scurried around the house looking for Pepper.  Or Coulson.  Or whoever who be sober enough to remember what the hell happened last night.  
  
In the middle of his search, a very naked Natasha fell out of a walk-in closet.  And that super-sexy (and _extremely_ nude) woman from Asgard (whose name he was completely blanking on) was poking her head out. He'd forgotten about that closet.  
  
"So," he began, "is this the first time you two---"  
  
"No comment," Natasha said with a sharp glare.  
  
He glanced at Asgard-Girl, then back at Natasha.  "You two didn't happen to videotape---"  
  
"No.  Comment."  
  
Tony stepped over her.  "Alright.  I ask only because I'd appreciate this a lot more when my head doesn't feel like it weighs five thousand pounds."  He wandered off feeling their stares boring into his back.  He was pretty sure his head was doing somersaults now.

He finally found Pepper in the kitchen, making a whole trayful of coffee.  
  
"How's that hangover, boss?" she asked as she arranged the cups into rows.  Then she looked up at him.  "This new look isn't permanent, is it?"  
  
He took a cup off the tray and took a giant gulp.  No relief, just bitterness.  "Pepper, how did this happen?"    
  
"I don't know.  I only came over after you sent me this text at 2:30 AM."  She showed him her phone---the screen read, 'i just invented pop tart pasta. totally gonna patent this shit. im witch-king bitch-lord of the mountain.'  "By the time I got here, Thor had his face buried in that concoction while Loki massaged his bare back and you sat cross-legged on the counter in that helmet telling everyone to bow to their new god."  
  
"Did you?"  
  
"No."    
  
"Good morning, all.  Tony, I do believe my brother's helmet looks quite good on you."  Thor walked in wearing nothing but an enormous grin on his face.  "Where is the rest of your wonderful invention?"  
  
"Um..."  Where would he store Pop Tart pasta?  
  
"Sorry, Thor, but you ate all of it.  Believe me, I watched you." Pepper told him firmly, carefully looking at his face.  
  
"Really?  We must make more!  Tony, what is your recipe?"  Thor looked like a four-year-old who just learned how Play-Doh worked.  
  
"I, uh, well, um..."  Tony swore the helmet's weight was going to knock him flat on his back.  He really didn't have time for this.  "Thor, why don't you put some damn pants on?"  
  
"Because I do not wish to."  
  
"No, seriously---put some pants on.  It's creeping me out."  He took Loki's helmet off and set it on the counter.  His head still throbbed.  "How about you get this thing back to your brother, if he's still around?  Then you can find some pants."  
  
"I believe he is still asleep.  We used your bed last night---it was most comfortable."  Thor beamed at him obliviously.  
  
Tony rubbed his temples.  "Alright, Thor, I _do not_ need to know that much.  EVER.  And now I really don't think I want to know what happened last night anymore."  
  
"That's too bad," Coulson said from the opposite end of the room.  He was holding a manila and smirking.  "I have it all right here."  
  
"Coulson, you wrote up a goddamn report on all of this?"  
  
"35 pages.  When you've had this job as long as I have, it becomes habit. I'll just leave this here."  He dropped the folder on the kitchen table and left the room quietly.  
  
"I don't want to know what's in that thing.  I really don't."  
  
"I do."  Pepper went to grab the folder and she began reading it intently.  
  
After a few minutes, some muscular, auburned-haired teenager in a wifebeater and jeans wandered in.  "Um, hi.  You guys know about the lesbians in the hallway, right?"  
  
Pepper's head snapped back up and she gave Tony an almost evil look.  "You brought lesbians home with you?"  
  
"Keep reading.  You'll get to that eventually."  He looked back at the boy.  "Who the hell are you?"  
  
"Oh, here."  The kid handed him an ID card.  
  
"Let's see...your name is Christopher Eccleston and you're a 25-year-old organ donor from Alaska."  Tony rolled his eyes.  "Nice try.  I used to be James Garner, 27-year-old organ donor from Ohio.  It never worked.  How the hell did you get in here?"  
  
The kid stared down at the floor and his cheeks turned red.  "I just sort of tagged along with Steve..."  
  
Pepper took a quick look at the boy and started frantically flipping through Coulson's report.  "He didn't.  He wouldn't.  He can't have..."  
  
Thor raised his eyebrows.  "So it was you two who tried to steal the bed from us last night?"  
  
Tony groaned and banged his head on the counter.  He really didn't care how many brain cells he lost.

Pepper took the report into the living room and everyone followed, with Thor (still pantless) hoisting the muscular-but-weirdly-wiry kid over his shoulder.  
  
Tony sprawled out on the leather couch and ran his hand down his face.  "Kid, what the hell?"  
  
The boy shrugged.  "I don't really know.  I mean, my aunt is totally going to kill me---she thinks I flew out here to look at colleges."  
  
Tony sat up.  "Wait, flew in from where?"  
  
"New York.  I heard you guys were in L. A. and I kind of had to find you..."  He bit his lip and stared at the manila folder like he wanted to burn it.  
  
"Why?" everyone asked quickly.  
  
"Because, well..."  The boy held out his arm and pressed his fingers on his wrist.  Some thick, milky white string shot out and hit a spot on the couch inches from Tony's right shoulder.  
  
Tony pulled at the rope---it sprung back like a guitar string.  Then he wrapped his fingers around it.  "This is spider silk.  Honest-to-God spider silk."  He swore the world swirled around for a few moments.  "The Spider-man is still in _high school_?"  
  
The kid, Spider-man, nodded nervously.  He looked like Bambi's mother probably did right before the gunshot.  
  
"So what the fuck did you and Steve do last night?"  
  
Pepper opened the folder and began reading.  "At 11:15 PM, Rogers struck up conversation with a younger man, possibly a minor.  Rogers showed signs of having ingested illegal substances---"  
  
"Steve got high!"  Tony gave a thumbs up.  
  
"---as did the possible minor.  Within fifteen minutes, they began kissing like a couple on a soap opera, to put it lightly.  More notably, the possible minor automatically shot some sort of rope out of his wrist."  
  
"Nice timing, Christopher."  
  
"Uh, it's Peter."  Spider-man's face had turned beat red again.  "Sometimes I really can't..."  He dropped his head into his hands.  
  
"Tony, that's probably the most innocent thing in this report," Pepper said, giving him a hard look.  "There are seven whole pages devoted to Natasha and Lady Sif---"  
  
"NO COMMENT!" Natasha called from the hallway.  
  
"Of course there was."  Tony leaned back into the couch and smirked.  
  
As they all glanced around the room contemplating that thought, Clint stumbled in, impossibly bleary-eyed.  "I just woke up surrounded by street signs full of arrows and silly string."  
  
Peter looked up.  "That actually happened?"  He glanced at Tony and grimaced.  "We kind of took your Aston Martin and put like two thousand miles on it.  That was after me and Steve---"  
  
"Tried to steal the bed from us!" Thor shouted as he stood up.  "You are just a _boy_!  You do not _deserve_ the bed!"  
  
Tony tried to focus on everything above Thor's waist.  "Uh, guys, since I'm the owner, I'm pretty sure _I_ deserve the bed."  
  
"You did not want it!  You wanted to be worshipped!  You absolutely do not deserve that!"  
  
Peter stared up at the ceiling and started droning, "Gwen is going to kill me.  She is going to murder me.  I might as well have sold my relationship to the devil.  I am a dead man."  
  
Clint raised his eyebrows.  "Did we lose Bruce last night?"  
  
Pepper froze for a few moments, then started flipping frantically through the report again.  
  
Tony grit his teeth.  "You know, I'd rather replace him with Peter here.  He has fewer mood swings.  And he's Steve's first."  
  
Peter let out a frightened sigh.  
  
"My first what?"  
  
Their head all jerked toward the doorway.  Steve stood there, smiling lazily, and thankfully, wearing pants.  "Thor, shouldn't you put on some underwear?"  
  
"This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening..." Spider-Man chanted to himself.  
  
"What's wrong with him?" Steve asked, looking confused.  
  
"Steve, you probably remember Peter, don't you?"  Tony asked with an evil grin.


End file.
